


can't think of yesterday

by babymocha



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Reunited lovers, SO MUCH SADNESS, Self-Harm, this fic is reaaaaallly feel-y so pls be prepared lmfao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 09:23:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5492030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babymocha/pseuds/babymocha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <sup>She waited three years for his return. In the midst of revoking her love, he appears suddenly, as if he was waiting for the right and wrong time to come back.</sup>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. flashback

**Author's Note:**

> fffffuck this is easily most feels i have included in a fic   
>  i've been having a kaneki ken fix lately sooooo why not write some sad shit?? :'))
> 
> (Listen to all of the sad songs you know as u read this i promise it will make the reading experience more... enjoyable)

The last time she saw him in person was about three years ago. When he was captured by Yamori and tortured for ten days straight. (Y/N) was part of the mission to rescue Kaneki. _Her precious._ She fought long and hard to find him, pushing her kagune to it's farthest extent. When she finally came across the rather large room where Kaneki was held in, she almost collapsed on the spot, but the sight of the blood-soaked oval structure maintained her stature. Desperately, she scanned the place, searching for an Anteiku uniform or a black-headed teenage boy or just  _some sort of life_ (because with all the blood around, it was enough to shake any hope of life).

Yes, she saw a sign of life. A body that was clothed with ripped garments that exposed thin (yet muscular) arms and legs. The figure stood straight, looking down at a bundle of bones and blood and  _guts._ This figure had snowy white hair, the cleanest thing inside the room. Their rinkaku kagune was exposed and remained still. This person obviously did not sense (Y/N)'s presence. 

_    'Who is that?'  _ (Y/N) thought to herself. She cautiously took two steps forward, prepared to unleash her own (desired kagune type) if needed. Again, she took two more steps, this time stepping in a puddle of blood, causing the sound of contact to ripple throughout the air. The figure looked up from the mangled body but still kept their back to (Y/N). 

Determined to know where Kaneki was, (Y/N) called out, "Hey! You!" The figure, a male, stood still, as if he didn't hear her voice. This time, (Y/N) raised her voice and called out a little louder, "Who are you? Where's Kaneki Ken?"

   ' _This guy_ has _ to know,' _(Y/N) thought, _'Th_ _ere's no reason for him to be here if he doesn't know where Kaneki is.'_

The male's kagune remained exposed as he turned around slowly. (Y/N) squinted her eyes to focus her sight on his features. At first, she didn't recognize him. But after scanning his face, his stone-expression face, (Y/N) couldn't help but gasp loudly. His facial structure was all too familiar. The small, flat, nose. A slightly round face with a chin that came to a strong point. Round, slightly glazed eyes. One gray eye, one blood-red iris that stood out greatly against a black sclera. 

     _A one-eyed ghoul._

__ "K..." (Y/N) muttered. "K-Kaneki?" She couldn't help but run forward, only to stop a few feet from him. She took in more of his look; his eyes were slightly sunken and she noticed that he had gotten taller. Kaneki remained expressionless as he stared at (Y/N). 

She smiled softly. "Hey there," she breathed. "You look rather different. I couldn't recognize you from behind, but as soon as you turned around... yeah." Still, her lover did not show any feeling or any sign of feeling. He just stood there, unplaced. (Y/N) found his actions (or, rather, his in-actions) somewhat odd, but she decided to continue to speak. 

     "So, uh, yeah, I guess I found you. I think we should go now; Touka and everyone else are practically fighting their asses off as we speak."

      _'Or as_ I  _speak.'_

Kaneki didn't move, but his kagune faded away and disappeared. At last, he opened his mouth and uttered quietly, "(Y/N), what are you doing here?"

(Y/N) was surprised at his question. "W-What do you mean? I'm here to rescue you, of course. You've been gone for ten days, for chrissakes." She let out a small exasperated laugh. 

Kaneki didn't add to (Y/N)'s efforts of enlightening the mood. Instead he said, "You should leave."

     "Um, why would I do that? Well, I mean, if you want to leave, then I'll leave with y--"

     "No, (Y/N), you don't get it."

Her confusion grew. "I-I don't get it," she echoed his words. 

     "(Y/N)," this time, Kaneki stepped forward. "I'm telling you to go. Just leave.  _I'm_ leaving."

There was an unsettling feeling that was kindling in her stomach. "Kaneki, what?" Again, she let out a small laugh that hid her worry. "What do you mean you're leaving?"

     "Why are you so clueless, (Y/N)?" Kaneki said with a more firm and frustrated tone. She was taken back by his question; she mirrored his tone. 

     "I'm not clueless, Kaneki. I'm just want to know! I see you after ten days, knowing that something bad was happening to you, and you're... cold. What happened to you?" 

Kaneki  _was still expressionless,_ and it was beginning to piss his lover off. (Y/N) clenched her fists a little tighter, her teeth gritted. 

     "Fucking hell, Ken." Why was she getting so angry? It was because of how Kaneki was acting. She remembered him as a gentle creature, a nice boy who wouldn't hurt a fly unless forced to. He became a cold and harsh person, and  _why?_ (Y/N) wanted to know. "What happened? Tell me, now, what went on here during those ten days. Why is there so much blood here? What the fuck is that?" She pointed at the pile of remains. " _Who_ is that?"

     Kaneki's one kakugan disappeared and his eye returned to his normal gray tint, while (Y/N)'s kakugan manifested onto her eyes. She felt a sudden rush of anger and adrenaline, a rush she couldn't help. 

     "Tell me. I busted my ass to save you, and you tell me you want to  _leave?_ That is the wrong answer, honey." Normally, Kaneki would've been shocked at (Y/N)'s sudden spur of hostility, but this new Kaneki wasn't fazed at all.

     "I had bad things happen to me in here, and I realized during those times that I need to get stronger. It's better for me and for you, too." Kaneki's voice was monotone as he explained why he was leaving.

(Y/N) didn't accept it, she _refused_ to. The female ghoul suddenly gripped Kaneki's shoulders. "You're already strong. Even if you believe you aren't, you don't have to leave! You can stay with us, with me, at Anteiku. You can improve there." Kaneki's eyebrows furrowed, not in anger, but in second-thought. However, he shook his head, closing his eyes and then looking away.  

Tears were building up behind (Y/N)'s eyes. "No, Kaneki, please, just... Just stay. I need you with me." She begged; he had to give in. She was his  _partner,_ he wasn't supposed to leave her. 

(Y/N)'s grip on Kaneki's shoulders released, her hands slipped off and dangled at her sides. Kaneki took a loose hold on her left hand, and (Y/N) looked up, hopeful. Kaneki couldn't help but notice the push in her eyes, the look of faith. Faith for  _him_ to stay. It pulled on him like how winds pull gently on dry leaves. 

But Kaneki was stubborn. He made up his mind.

He released (Y/N)'s hand and let it fall again. She was stunned; her mouth fell agape and her eyes widened. The buildup of tears returned and was too much for her; a few tears trailed down her cheeks and (Y/N) felt  _awful._

     "Fine," she growled through gritted teeth. "Go. It's obvious you don't care about us. About  _me._ " (Y/N) broke the eye contact and rotated, then took off in a sprint towards the doorway. She didn't want to see his reaction. She didn't care, she didn't care, she didn't she didn't she didn't but  _oh my god_ she did. 

      _Kaneki Ken,_ (Y/N) spun around again, voice desperate and regretful. 

Where did the white go? The white that was so clean, so beautifully contrasted against the lackluster red room. 

It was gone. 

Kaneki had left her to become stronger; He took a huge amount of (Y/N)'s strength with him. 

And that was three years ago.  


	2. just think of today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when you see the + sign, i suggest you listen to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tm7Xf9818FM   
>  because i certainly did and :')))))

_"Touka, please just let me take a walk."_

_"At night? In December, when it's snowing?"_

_"Please, I... I have to."  
_

 

_\--_

 

Snow fell gracefully from the darkened winter night sky. The ground and roofs of houses and brick walls and trees were over-decorated with white fluff. It was at least 35 degrees at that moment, and she decided to wear a knit sweater (a  _knit_ sweater. Y'know, the ones with a lot of holes in them). (Y/N) hugged the gray oversized sweater closer to her body, expecting at least more warmth to be trapped and radiate back onto her body. On the contrary, however, a brisk wind blew right through the holes of the sweater, making (Y/N) shiver.

   "Great fuckin' idea, (Y/N)," she chastised herself. "Wear a knit sweater in 30 fucking degree weather." 

The past three years were pretty changing for (Y/N). Obviously, her body grew into a more womanly figure, abandoning her awkward teenage girl form. She had grown slightly taller, about two inches. She left her former hairstyle and went for something new, a long and wavy bob haircut that ended at her shoulders. Her personality also changed somewhat drastically. She became more... introverted. She became more dependent on herself rather than others. And she cursed  _way_ more often. 

She continued to walk. Where? She wasn't sure. (Y/N) just wanted to get out of her room at :re as fast as she could. 

Probably because she was holed up in there the entire day.

Her boots continued to push through the snow that filled the sidewalk, and after fifteen more minutes of walking, she got cold and tired. Luckily, there was a bench near by, and she decided to take a rest (after shooing the snow off the bench with numb hands).

(Y/N) was glad to be outside, despite the continuous snowfall. Her mind blanked; she just stared ahead absentmindedly until a thought came to her head. 

 

_kaneki ken._

 

She exhaled through her mouth, a cloud of mist emanating slowly. 

When was the last time she saw him? Yeah, three years ago. He had just left her, and for what? "To get  _stronger?_ " (Y/N) mumbled to herself. She hadn't seen him after that. Well, in person. She would see news about Eyepatch on the news, about how he wreaked havoc against CCG with a group called Aogiri Tree. But that was it. Just news.

Kaneki missed her graduation. He missed the huge celebration that happened at :re, where tears of joy were shared and many drinks were drunk merrily. He fucking missed  _three of her birthdays._

    "Three of my stupid birthdays!" (Y/N) called out to nothing. 

    _'R_ _emember our anniversary, Kaneki?'_ (Y/N) thought to herself.  _'It was on December 22, two days after your birthday.'_

(Y/N) found that she had gritted her teeth unknowingly. She also found that a kindle of anger and disgust had suddenly emerged inside her stomach and was crawling through her entire body. 

    "You betrayed me, Ken." She yelled. Why was she yelling? Whatever. She didn't give a shit about who heard her. She wanted the world to know about her hatred towards Kaneki Ken. She wanted everyone to fucking  _know it._

 

"I fucking hate you!"

 

And that was it. She denounced any positive feelings towards the male ghoul. 

It took her three years to say it. 

 

\--

 

(Y/N) continued to walk. The warmth of indignation traveled infinitely throughout her body, and she stood with her arms swinging at her sides. Her sweater was sagging off one shoulder, exposing the skin to the cold temperatures. (Y/N) didn't mind. She was too annoyed to care. The clouds of mist escaped her mouth at a quicker pace, showing her frustration. (Y/N) would mumble to herself often as she walked, insulting the good times she shared with Kaneki and calling him fake--

A person was walking towards her. 

_ 'Towards me? Not even likely. It's obviously some person just taking a night stroll like me.'  _ (Y/N) straightened her back and advanced forward. From the fury that still persisted, her kakugan was exposed. She could care less if it was an investigator or human. She could kill them if she had to. Besides, she needed to somehow release her anger healthily. 

As the two got closer, (Y/N) could make out the long, black trench coat that the person was wearing. This person was male, and his hair was jet black. He just wore all this black, and the only thing that stood out from his outfit and appearance was a red glove on his right hand. (Y/N) was intrigued; who was this guy? He wasn't some sort of regular civilian. He was something... more.

(Y/N) sniffed the air. She picked up a scent that was strangely familiar.

She stopped underneath a streetlight that illuminated the snow that fell. Interestingly, the figure stopped only a few feet from the streetlight, staying hidden in the shadows.

   "Hey! You! Red glove!" (Y/N) barked. This isn't some regular person; (Y/N) could sense that he was dangerous and he somehow _knew_ her. "I don't know who you are, but..." She trailed off. What was she supposed to say? 'I don't know who you are, but you're weird and you give off a strange presence'?

Um, no.

   "Step forward! Into the light..." The male didn't move. The only thing that moved where the fabric that clothed them by the increased winds. (Y/N)'s hair swayed rather rashly, so did the male's. The sound of wind invaded her ears, and (Y/N) began to question whether her hearing was messed up.

The male took a step forward. (Y/N) didn't move; she remained tall and ready for any unanticipated attack. The male began to walk regularly towards the light. Snow still fell and winds still blew.

 

_The small, flat, nose. A slightly round face with a chin that came to a strong point. Round, slightly glazed eyes._

 

   "Why are you out so late?" He spoke. Gray eyes that were preceded by oval-shaped glasses. (Y/N) couldn't believe her eyes. There he was, standing way taller than before and more defined than three years ago. Again, he spoke, "It's almost 12 AM, you know."

(Y/N)'s kakugan shook, her mouth hung agape.

   "Are you gonna say something or are you gonna keep staring at me with that look on your face?"

_ 'Oh  _ hell  _no.'_

   "I'm gonna say something, obviously, you dipshit." A minute into their reunite, and (Y/N) was already getting pissed. "Kaneki, I have to ask, what are _you_ doing here?"

It felt weird to say his name again.

    "Walking. I needed a break from work."

    "No," (Y/N) said firmly. Kaneki raised an eyebrow. "I meant, what are you doing here _now?_ Why tonight? Why at 12 in the morning? Why not yesterday? Or last year, huh, when I graduated from Kamii?" (Y/N)'s voice was raising, just like the anger inside, consuming. "Why not on my birthday, hm? You had three fucking chances to." 

    "(Y/N)--"

+

    "Why not on our goddamn anniversary,  _Ken?!"_ She wanted to badly to hurt him, to make him feel what she dealt with for so long. Her kagune threatened to reveal themselves. "Do you know how many times I sat in front of your door, waiting for your footsteps?!"

Kaneki was obviously bothered by your words. His face had scrunched up slightly, hands now in the trench-coat pockets. 

You had both changed. Both of you shared the same cold, ruthless, malevolent energy. His from three years ago, yours from that moment. 

   "I waited for you. I would've done anything for just a look at your face. I would've done anything to know that you were okay, to know that you knew I was  _devastated,_ " (Y/N) spewed, letting her feelings out in words and warm tears. At the sight of her crying, Kaneki's mouth opened to say something, but she wouldn't let him. It was  _her_ turn. "Have you gotten stronger? Hm? Show me somehow, so I know that you're departure wasn't a damn lie." 

Kaneki didn't know what to do. He was still stunned. From the moment he saw your face coming towards him, he was shocked. Just by (Y/N)  _looking at him_ made him feel surprised, guilty, just downright  _shitty._

  "(Y/N), my love--"

  "Don't fucking  _call me that!"_ (Y/N) roared. Her kagune finally resurfaced; she was done. She wanted to brawl, to feel some kind of contact with him. To make him _pay._  "You have no goddamn right to call me anything. I don't care if you still love me, because I left you behind." Kaneki was hurt, it was apparent in his face, and (Y/N) felt accomplished. 

  "Doesn't feel good, huh?" (Y/N) took a step toward him, her kagune flaring. "It doesn't feel good to get left behind by your lover, right?" 

  "Let me talk, please--" Kaneki held his hands out slightly. 

(Y/N)'s kagune swung, intending to attack Kaneki in any way. She did; she put a cut in the red glove. Kaneki drew his hands back. That was enough.

  "I don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm leaving. To get  _stronger_ than this," (Y/N) mocked, words laced with poison. " _It's better for you and me, too."_

Her kakugan and kagune disappeared, revealing her bloodshot eyes. (Y/N) turned her back on him and took off with a run. Suddenly, she felt a hand grip her arm rather harshly, and on instinct, (Y/N) swung at Kaneki with her left hand in an attempt to free herself. Kaneki dodged her swing and used her missed attack to his advantage; he grabbed her left wrist and push her onto the white brick wall adjacent to them. At contact with the wall, (Y/N) let out a painful cry and dropped her head. She didn't want Kaneki to see her in this state, vulnerable. 

  "(Y/N)..." Kaneki muttered. She remained so still in his grasp, her arms were limp, her head hanging. "Can you look at me please?" (Y/N) shook her head, and Kaneki could hear the faintest of her cries. It wrung his heart and made him think  _she's crying because of me._

"These three years," she croaked, "They were hard for me. When you left,"  _sniff_ , "You took something from me. I don't know what it was but..." Finally, she looked up at him, and her face, her crying and begging and  _broken_ face was his weakness; his teeth gritted, and an overwhelming look of sadness and regret filled his eyes. (Y/N) continued talking, just as the tears kept pouring, "I missed you so much. I was so lost, I didn't know what to do. I waited for you day and night, but you never came back."

Kaneki's hold on (Y/N)'s wrists released, and instead of her arms falling, she cupped her face in her hands. Kaneki gripped his own hands.

  "Did I do this to you?" He asked. Gingerly, he put a hand on (Y/N)'s shoulder. She didn't move away.

  "I almost lost myself, Kaneki. I-I hurt myself so much. To the point of just e-ending me. But, I always thought 'Stay strong for him! Stay alive for him!' If you weren't my motivation, I don't know where I'd be right now."

At those words, Kaneki's feelings of guilt spilled over. He pulled (Y/N) into him, his right hand resting on (Y/N)'s forehead and the other wrapped around her waist. (Y/N)'s hands gripped the lapel of his trench-coat, and her tears wet them. She finally let herself go; she cried and sobbed and wept into his chest. While she cried, Kaneki planted various kisses into her crown and forehead, mumbling small  _i'm so sorry_ and  _i love you_ in between.

The two stood like that for a while, and after that, (Y/N)'s cries softened until she was weeping no longer. Kaneki still held her in an embrace. 

(Y/N) didn't know what they were at that moment. Were they lovers again? Were they just saying their apologies? Would he leave her after that?

Kaneki tapped her head, and (Y/N) looked up. 

_ God,  _ she looked so beautiful. Those big (E/C) orbs staring up into his, her nose so defined and warm. Her cheeks were still moist with tears, giving them a small glimmer. And her lips looked so soft and so sweet and so cute to him and it almost made Kaneki want to  _kiss her_ until they couldn't. 

Kaneki smiled that same familiar smile and asked, "Do you know what today is?" 

(Y/N) shook her head, suddenly confused. 

Before Kaneki spoke, he leaned down and touched his lips softly to (Y/N)'s, her warmth invigorating his senses. (Y/N) fluttered her eyes shut, and she reached up with one hand to gingerly lay it on the crook of his neck. She wanted to push into him, to kiss him again and again and again until she couldn't breath, but Kaneki pulled away and rested his forehead onto (Y/N)'s, both of their eyes still closed. 

Breathy, Kaneki answered his own question with a smile, "It's December 22." 


End file.
